20 Things Boys Can Do to Become Men
By Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Why should a young man listen to an old guy about the best way
to become a man? Because the typical teen is not yet able to see a
future past the next few months. That's not a fault of character, but
the fact that teens' brains have not yet physically matured. The
pre-fontal cortex (PFC) does not fully develop in most people until
they're twenty-four years old. Yet, the PFC is responsible for
regulating mood, attention span, impulse control, and the ability to
plan ahead and understand the consequences of one's actions. In the
meantime, it's up to the adults to guide them by showing them possible
consequences-good and bad-of their behavior. With that in mind, here's
my guide to becoming a man:
1. Learn who you are as an individual.
Figuring out who you are, what you care about, what you believe in, and
what you stand for is the most important-and most difficult-challenge
of becoming a man. We're all raised with people telling us what to
think, how to act, and what to say. Sometimes those people are parents,
teachers, ministers, and other so-called authorities. Sometimes they are
our friends and peers. Most of the time, given the choice, we seek the
easiest path, the path of least resistance. We go along to get along.
Sometimes that's okay. But it's those instances when you opt for a
different path that can really define you as an individual. The
important thing is you make those decisions for yourself-not out of
spite against authority figures, or because of peer pressure, or even
out of fear of losing someone's affection-but out of conviction of who
you are and who you want to be.
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2. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs.
British statesman Edmund Burke once said, "The only thing necessary for
the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." That's one of my
favorite quotes because it reminds me that it's not enough to have lofty
ideals and beliefs, you sometimes have to actually
get off the couch and defend those beliefs.
This is especially hard when you're hanging with your friends and they
all express an opinion that is the opposite of yours. Because you're
outnumbered, it's easy for them to ridicule your opinion. Be strong.
Defend your opinions and beliefs. If you think it's wrong to be racist
but someone in your group says something racist (or sexist, or
ant-Semitic, or anti-gay), then tell them you don't agree and that you
don't think they should make such statements. That's how these verbal
bullies are eventually defeated. More important, you'll feel proud that
you took a stand. Those moments you do nothing will haunt you for a long
time.
3. Avoid a physical fight-if you can.
You're probably thinking, "That's easy for you to say, Kareem. You're
7'1" so nobody wants to mess with you." That wasn't always true. When I
was a young boy, I was bullied. And my dad was a cop, so that made it
even more embarrassing. Later in life, I took up martial arts and even
trained with my good friend Bruce Lee. That's why you can trust me when I
say that
fighting is almost always a mistake. There's a Chinese
proverb that says, "The man who throws the first punch has lost the
argument." That means that when an argument turns into a fight, it's
because the one starting the fight realizes he isn't smart enough to win
verbally, so he resorts to violence. It's always the dumbest guy who
resorts to violence.
What do you do if someone threatens you with violence? You walk away,
even run away if necessary. Even if you're pretty sure you could take
him. Bad things can happen in a fight, even if no one means them to.
Someone can take an unexpected fall and crack his head open. Teeth can
be knocked out. Facial bones can be cracked. And all the crying later
about how "it was an accident!" won't change that.
So, if you're threatened, leave and tell your parents. Some people are
of the belief that you should just go right after the bully, fighting
him to show you're not afraid. While this works well in movies, it
doesn't work as well in real life. These days violence tends to beget
violence. The bully doesn't just slink away, he returns with a baseball
bat-or worse. You can still stand up for yourself without resorting to
violence: that's what Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Cesar Chavez, the
Buddha, and Jesus did.
The only time you should fight is if there is no other recourse. You
can't run, you can't talk your way out of it. If that's the case, hit
first, either in the nose (sometimes the blood will discourage further
fighting) or the crotch (because the pain will make it hard for him to
chase you). One punch and then run.
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4. Play a team sport.
I'm all for individual sports-as I mentioned, I did martial arts for
many years and also yoga. (Don't think it's a sport? Try it!) But
playing on a team teaches you how to interact with others, adjust to
various personalities, work together as a team, be generous, and many
other character-building traits. The cool part is that you don't have to
join an organized team; you can just go down to the playground or open
gym and play pick-up basketball or volleyball.
5. Choose your friends for the right reasons.
Good friends can see you through a lot of the tough parts of growing
up. But bad friends can actually be the cause some of those tough parts.
Don't hang out with kids just to piss off your parents or try to be
something that you're not. You waste a lot of your youth that way-and
miss out of some meaningful friendships.
6. Fight your fear of the unknown.
We all have a tendency to hate what we don't understand, whether it
comes in the form of different food, different cultures, or different
ideas. There was a Yale study in which researchers examined the brains
of people as they were presented with proof that an opinion they held
was wrong. MRIs showed that when those people immediately rejected the
new evidence, their brains released an addictive chemical that made them
feel good. In that way our own bodies are actually encouraging our
ignorance and fear. Fight that impulse. Becoming a man means growing,
learning, and understanding-not cowering under a blanket with a handful
of comforting notions.
(By the way, don't confuse physical bravery with intellectual bravery.
It's easier to jump out of a plane-hopefully with a parachute-than it is
to change your mind about an opinion. Acts of physical bravado will
give you an initial rush, but exploring a new culture or examining a new
idea will mature you and make you the kind of person others will be
interested in.)
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7. Listen to advice.
Whatever troubles and doubts you're facing, billions of guys before you
have gone through the same thing. Your dad probably knows exactly how
you feel most of the time because he can remember the same pain and
anxiety. Listening to people's advice doesn't always mean taking it. You
have to decide which advice is right for you. But it might be a good
idea to collect some quotes from those who came before you so you can
refer to them when you need to.
I'm going to get you started with one of my favorites from philosopher
George Santayana: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to
repeat it." That means that if you don't learn from the experiences of
others and yourself, you will end up making the same mistakes over and
over. So, when someone gives you advice, don't dismiss it just because
they're older than you.
8. Be politically aware.
One clear difference between children and adults is an awareness of
your community outside your circle of friends and family. The world is
constantly changing. Whether it changes for the better or the worse
depends on the actions of those willing to get involved. Kids who don't
know anything about their world try to hide it by saying, "I don't
really care. It doesn't affect me." But that just confirms that they
wish to remain children and have adults tell them what to do and think.
Part of being a man is to be informed so you are prepared to take an
active and responsible place in your society. Read newspapers,
magazines, watch the news. Discuss these subjects with your friends, but
always while respecting each other's opinions.
9. Mind your manners.
When you're a kid being told to firmly shake hands, keep your elbows
off the table, or ask guests if they'd like a drink, it all seems like a
load of dumb and arbitrary rules. Some of it is. But part of becoming a
man is the realization that it doesn't matter whether or not the rules
of manners make sense. What matters is the effect of following these
rules: people appreciate the effort and respect shown them. In turn,
they will show you respect.
10. Be patient in love.
Most of the information boys have about girls is WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
It's based on stereotypes, rumors, bad songs, shallow teen movies, and
immature celebrities in personal tailspins. The worst thing you can do
in looking to find a significant other is to try to change yourself into
something you're not just because you think that's what girls are
looking for. It doesn't work.
The best way to get an idea of what's attractive to girls is to talk to
them. Like a girl? Get to know her, ask her about herself, then show
her you've been listening to what she says. Did she mention a book she
likes? Send her an article about the book. It's low-key, non-stalkerish,
and shows you care what she talks about.
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11. Stay fit.
It's hard for all those teenage boys with turbo-charged metabolisms to
understand that their bodies will not always be evaporating the masses
of greasy calories they consume. They can eat a pizza and a tub of ice
cream, then run three miles. They can't imagine that will ever change,
even when you show them photos of their lean dads' as teens and they
look at the potbellies that have miraculously appeared later. But eating
somewhat healthily and maintaining an exercise regimen will not only
help fight off diseases and aging, they'll also help ensure an active
lifestyle for many years. In other words, the body is like any machine:
It may run great when it's new, but after years of neglect it will slow
down, and eventually break down. Then you're the one vegging on the sofa
while your pals are playing pick-up ball at the gym.
12. Never, never do something on a dare.
"I dare you" may be the three most dangerous words in the language for
kids. The challenge to prove yourself to others is very tempting,
especially since the alternative seems to be showing yourself to be a
coward. But that's not really the case. The person who dares you is
counting on your not being strong or smart enough to see this challenge
as the empty, laughable joke it is. The person who refuses a dare
displays intelligence, courage, and independence. And that's what daring
someone is trying to rob them of.
13. Get organized.
One main difference between a boy and a man is that boys talk about
what they want to do and men actually do those things. Another
difference is that men have less time to accomplish more. In order to do
all the things they want, they have to be organized. They keep a
calendar (the one in your smart phone is handy), they make a to-do list,
and they don't put off doing things until later. Being organized can
change your life: you do more things you want to do, you finish things
you need to finish, and you have more time to pursue new activities and
relationships. In general, you will be much more successful.
14. Find heroes to copy.
There are so many worthwhile people to look up to and try to emulate.
People from history. Even characters in books and movies. The trick is
in picking the right people for the right reasons. Skip most sports,
music, and movie/TV celebrities. It's not that they aren't nice people,
but the fact that they're successful and make a lot of money doesn't
make them wise. Often, it's just the opposite. They pursued fame and
glory so single-mindedly that they have no other interests and minimal
education. Many are woefully misinformed about current events, yet at
the same time frequently offering their weak, misinformed opinions.
Don't make the mistake of believing that just because a person can act
or sing, he or she also has valuable insights into politics or culture.
Find heroes-real or fictional-that embody the
values that you want to have, not the bank account.
15. Be independent.
A man can take care of his own daily needs. In fact, he wants to. Make
your bed, do your laundry, learn to cook, hang up your clothes.
Slovenliness is the sign of an immature mind. The sooner you start doing
things for yourself, the sooner you will have the respect of others-and
of yourself.
16. Question authority.
Respect your elders but don't think them infallible. Teachers, parents,
relatives, politicians, and well-meaning guys like me really do want
what's best for you. But we aren't always right. Even when presenting
supposed "facts," people can be misleading in an effort to manipulate
you into being who they want you to be or doing what they want you to
do. History is filled with politicians misrepresenting "facts" in order
to convince the population to back rash policies. Teachers sometimes
aren't caught up on the latest research. To be your own man, you will
have to make up your own mind about things.
17. Get smart.
Making up your own mind doesn't mean "going with your gut," "listening
to your heart," or any other such clichés, however. That's the lazy
man's way of avoiding the work that comes with developing an informed
opinion. Want to express an opinion about the election, the death
penalty, or gay marriage? First, do your research. Don't rely on biased
sources. Your goal is to find the truth, not just confirm an opinion you
already held. Every time you express an uninformed opinion, others will
dismiss you as a child, someone who can only parrot others' opinions. A
man knows how to educate himself in pursuit of truth.
18. Express yourself.
Go ahead, dye your hair purple. Grow it long, shave it off. Wear all
black, wear all white, wear boots, wear leather, wear a dress. This is
the time to try on new identities to see which ones fit you best. Sure,
you might have to endure some taunts, but it's more important that you
figure out who you are than caring what those shut-ins of the mind
think.
(A word of caution: avoid doing anything permanent, like tattoos,
because, just your taste in clothes, hair styles, music, your thoughts
about pretty much everything will change. What you think is really deep
and insightful today will seem shallow and immature in a few years. And
you don't want something you will later think is childish permanently
etched on your body.)
19. Pay attention to the short run….
People who care about you are always talking about your future: what
courses to take for your career, what sports will help you get into
college, what to look for in the person you're going to marry. All that
stuff is important to think about. But don't let planning for your
future consume your present. Do some things just because they're fun
now. Take that art appreciation class just because it would be fun to
learn about it. Play
Injustice just to see Wonder Woman kick Batman's ass. Read those Deadpool comic books just because they're wickedly funny.
20. …But keep your eye on the long run.
Most of what's important to you now won't be in a few years. Friends
will change. Priorities will shift. That can be a pretty scary prospect.
Most boys are afraid of growing into their nightmare version of an
adult: the flaccid, self-righteous, humorless sack of meat dumped on the
couch shouting commands or barking advice that begins,
"When I was your age…."
Don't worry, it doesn't have to turn out that way. Another favorite
quote of mine is from Thomas Jefferson: "Eternal vigilance is the price
of liberty." He meant that the cost of freedom is to always be watching
for someone wanting to take that freedom away, but a variation of that
quote can apply here: "The price of being a man is eternal vigilance."
Know who you are, what you stand for, watch for any assaults on your
principles, but always be open to change if the evidence warrants it.
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